Why I Really Want To Go To Private School

When kids are really young, let's say 4 or 5 years old, they cannot tell the difference between going to one school over another. It's hard for them to differentiate between what a good school is versus a bad school because their experiences are so limited.

This is not the case for all students. I've recently had the opportunity to work with one of the nicest, well-rounded and influential families I have ever met in my entire life. Unlike many children that I've encountered, this family is comprised of a hard-working and protective father, conscientious and generous mother, and three children who possess the lack of materialistic attachment synonymous with a Buddhist monastery. Most families are well-off financially, with this family they are not only well-off, but secure in the fact that they do not need to show it or make you feel badly that you are not "one of the 1% of 1%".

I remember the day as if it were yesterday. Before I started working with the little girl, I asked her, "Why do you want to change schools? I've heard so many great things about your public school." What she was about to tell was not typical of what most children tell me. Usually their response is a simple, "I don't know" or "My mom and dad want me to go to the school because I'll be able to go to an Ivy League school". What she told me resonated in my heart and in my mind forever.

"At my school, I feel invisible and the girls are mean to me."

SHE'S NOT EVEN 10! I was about to explode when she told me that because I thought that kids didn't show these behaviors until they were in middle school! It broke my heart in so many pieces that I felt that somehow, somewhere, the system has let us down. I feel that as an adult, many of my peers in the school system have become so overburdened with their work load that they forget about the emotional well-being of their students.

Let's think about this for a minute: As an adult it is very difficult to focus on your job or your family if there is a major stressor in your life. The nice thing about being an adult is that you are able to remedy the situation by talking to someone in your life who plays a supporting role in order to help you. This is not the case for a kindergartener, 1st or 2nd grader who blames themselves for being an outcast.

I'm fully aware that not all children will learn to get along - adults do not even know how to get along. The least that parents and other adults can do is model tolerant behaviors around their children. When you see someone that may be different from you, talk to your child about how to initiate conversations with them and not pose judgment. If you are at the park and your child is comfortable playing with their core group of friends and there is a new person that is playing by themselves, encourage your child to reach out and ask the child to play with them.

I've met many children in my lifetime and I've noticed that as a group, we could really work on making the new generation more inclusive and tolerant of other people. It's not a privilege that we have, it's our responsibility to teach our children to be cordial to each other and respectful of other's feelings.

Happy Kids... are not always Pleasant Kids

It's been quite a while since I've picked up the virtual pen, AKA "keys on the keyboard". Sometimes I feel like my late grandfather publishing books on topics which he cared so much about in the world, hoping to make a difference by communicating what he has observed time in and time out. It's my turn to hold the torch - hoping to discuss what I see with children, their parents, behavioral expectations, and education.

I interact and see a huge number of kids. It's amazing to observe children in their natural state, not when they are at school but when they are at home with their parents and other loved ones. This is the time when you would think that you see the best of children. This is also the time when you see the most brutal part of who they are too: their true self.

When only myself and the child are around, two things transpire: expectations that the child perform at their best without being prodded by a parent and that they show me what they are capable of doing. I am very surprised by the conversations that I have had with many children on how they share their utmost feelings, wishes and desires. One child that I am particularly fond of heard my stomach growl and rather than make me feel like a nuisance, smiled at me and said, "It's okay Miss C, my stomach growls too. It's normal.". Children grow up trying to please their parents however, it is the kindness and grace that they show to people around them that make them show their true character.

Not all children exhibit this. I fondly recall working with a child whose mother and father show all the traits of a "nice family". Two parent household, above average income, connections that only one in the White House can manage to be proud of. What they missed in raising their child was how to act and treat people with respect. This irks me beyond words, but there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. How can a couple with so much forget to teach their child that one character trait that prevents them from being at the top of the bully list in 2016?

It's because they don't care. The reason why is because they find justifiable reasons to tell their children that bullying is okay. When I asked the little girl, "When is your birthday?". She blurted out, "March 10th." I immediately asked her if she has planned her birthday party to include princesses and ponies. Her response was "Of course I've planned that." What shocked me was the next statement that she made, "But you are not INVITED! You are not a child and I can't invite you!". I was in total remorse that somehow, a child was capable of making such a repugnant comment that I feared for the other children around her that she would exclude and ostracize. Maybe she doesn't know it, maybe her parents don't know it, but somehow I felt that part of the innocence that I shared in her upbringing was taken away in that brief moment where she put her foot down and said, "I don't want you there." (Ironically, she bothered me for a treat afterwards.)

I'm not one to judge, but I am one to observe. There are many children in this world that are being labeled as bullies and for some strange reason, parents of those being bullied are starting to wonder why. Here's one hypothesis: those parents of bullies are not cognizant of what their child is doing. It is easier to tell your child that they are great in everything and that they can have everything than teaching them to share and care about the people and world around them. I know this because we grew up in a fairly large family and it takes more work for parents to be true parents that just a grown up friend for their kids.

I'm left saddened by the interaction that I had with this child, but at least I can be grateful to know that if I ever ask about a child's birthday ever again, I'll follow up by saying, "it's a kind deed to invite people that care about you on your birthday". 

Schools that say they can help with your struggles

Here's the scenario:

You realize that your child is having issues reading or completing math assignments at school. You hire someone either at the school or a tutor to help your child understand these concepts better. Things get worse after a few months and not only have you wasted an exorbitant amount of money or time, but now they run the risk of being not just a few months behind their peers but one year behind.

What most parents do at this point is ask the school to step in and find a specialist to help their student with whatever they are struggling with. I have seen this happen day in and day out and actually spoke to a specialist (actually, several specialists) at the school to ask them what their solution was in helping a child with certain issues. The responses that I have received were rather humorous, but alarming at the same time. One school said, "I don't know." Another school was a little more honest and stated, "We do the same work - just slower." Yet another school said, "We repeat the concept over and over and over until he gets it." Obviously this child doesn't get it if you just repeat the concepts over to him.

I've realized through the years that it is hard being a parent and even more difficult to find people that you can trust. I believe that it is important for parents to be proactive in finding solutions that work for their children and to trust a professional who has years of experience in handling the situation that is being presented. Every year, I see several clients that are new and I also see repeat clients that know that sometimes, it is a good idea to ask for help.

If you have a problem that you need to solve, don't hesitate to contact me at christine@learningridge.com. Our goal is to help guide your student onto the path to success. 

Admissions Preparation Update... Working on Transitions to the Next School Year

Yes, it's almost (at least that's what I think now) over.. Many parents are through the first two hurdles of Admissions Preparation and they are waiting for what's next. Now, my more outstanding clients are actually working with me on transition planning so that their student can stay ahead of the pack for the 2014-2015 school year.

This has been quite an interesting year. Unlike last year where one client decided to "scream his way into an assessment" (yes, it actually happened. I wonder what their tour to the school looked like that year.) we've had the opportunity to work with a great group of people this year as well as a few returning clients.

I'm excited to say that 95% of this work is done. In line with knowing that the children will be attending a new school, many of our clients have continued to work on transition planning to make sure that their child will "hit the ground running" when they are at the new school. It's one way to continue leading our clients onto the path to success.

The Ritual of Coming Home (or Leaving)

For the first eighteen or so years of your child's life, they live in this romanticized version of how their parents need to act around them and how their entire world will be given to them in the blink of an eye. My own baby brother lived this "delectable dream" of being financially dependent on my mom up until now (he is one year from 30.) Every month it seems like, his spending would be financed by my industrious and shrewd mother who would take care of his every whim whether it be his daily $10 Starbucks splurges to trips to Europe that (to the chagrin of the rest of his siblings) were rather gratuitous. It's not a surprise that I feel that austerity measures should be placed on lavish spending by parents onto their kids.

What I do not believe needs to be reduced is the overall experiences and "parent moments" that one provides to their children. Every time I meet up with my European mother-in-law, she tells me of the sacrifices that she had made for each of her sons but also the times that they spent together. When I speak to parents, I don't know why it is important to give them everything that they need. I think that it is more important to teach them delayed gratification and the idea that sometimes it is more exciting working towards a goal than achieving it. If families would re-evaluate the true economics of giving in, they might change the beat of their drum.

I'm not advocating for parents to stop spending money on their children. Instead, it may be better to substitute a material good with something that is experiential. There are fond memories that I have of my father taking me on every errand known to man that a father must make. From the auspices of going to the bank in order to make a deposit to the family account - to walking from our family car to the hardware store when it was 120 degrees in the summer, I have a rich bank of memories of watching my father passively show me what responsibility and character are. Even the most mundane task of driving me to my monthly orthodontist appointments where his shy yet handsome presence would be noticed by all the dental assistants still remind me today that for the most part, people remember you for how you made them feel and not who you are.

I've watched and listened to several kids judge other kids and families for who they are. It's a learned behavior and, to be quite honest with you, is one that breaks my heart. Families who have children that scream every time they hear the door crack knowing that mom or dad have just come home are the ones who know what having a family really means.

Character Lessons Taught Everyday By One Parent

I remember this one time where I asked a parent this question, "What is your mission as a parent?" I thought that the moment that a mother and father became parents they came up with an end goal for their children.. More often than not, most parents seem to just live day to day as it pertains to raising their children.

One family that I have spent a number of years working with do the exact opposite. In their daily routines, they not only communicate what the expectations of their children are, but model it in their daily interactions with their own family. They have more than six children and have modeled them in the old-fashioned way of child-rearing, "Responsibility, respect, and integrity is shared by all of you." I like how they raise their kids because it was how I was raised.

On the day of the Parent-Teacher Conference, the mother of these wonderful children came in to talk to the teachers of her children. I recall that she stated that two of the teachers had complimented the actions of two of her children but it was the heroic action of one of the children that really stood out to not just me, but the entire school.

During the time of the school announcements, there was one student in the third grade class that volunteered to lead the Pledge of Allegiance. The student that volunteered has Aspergers Syndrome and because of his disability, has problems communicating socially with his peers. The teacher had asked the other students in the class if any of them would volunteer to help the student with Aspergers Syndrome and nobody wanted to volunteer, except for the son of my client. He quickly shot up his hand and said, "I'll go up there with him!"

Both students marched up to the office and waited for the part of the announcements to lead the Pledge of Allegiance. When it was time for the student with Aspergers Syndrome to lead the pledge, he froze. It wasn't as if he didn't know the pledge.. he didn't know at that moment in time what he needed to do. The staff at the school repeated the cue for him to say the pledge. Still... no answer. He glanced over to my client's son and my client's son nodded his head. He walked over to him, held his hand, popped into the viewing screen of the camera where the entire school was watching and said...

"Good morning school! My name is Mike and this is my friend John. Today we are going to lead the Pledge of Allegiance..... I pledge allegiance to the flag...."

When my client was telling me this story, it was a pivotal time in my life when many of the casual conversations I hear from parents are the trivialities of school. Yes, I agree that education is vital to the upbringing of one's children, but equally as important as integrity, leadership, and courage. What this child did for me, his family, and his school is that it is so easy to mock someone because you get to hide, it is so much more meaningful to stand by someone and show your strength of character by challenging what may not be popular.

I am so proud to know this child - and hope that these actions of our little heroes are never overlooked.  

When Professionals Do Not Tell The Truth...

My mother always said that your name is important in who you are. I've always been very adept at understanding complex organizational systems and have been able to break down the interpersonal relationships that may be troubling for people my age to understand.

Very recently I have learned about the actions of certain individuals who have access to information and resources that have indelibly affected the educational outcomes of young children. It has angered and frustrated me beyond belief because as many people have respected them, they have been placed in a position of trust but have used this position to change and skew the dynamics of the systems that they are part of.

One such story was told to me very sadly by a young boy whom I have known for several months. He has been dreaming of attending a school that his father attended many years ago. Following in his father's footsteps, he had hoped to be wearing the uniform once graced by his dad years prior. Each year, he anticipated the moment that his presence would grace the halls of the school. Given the fact that the odds were for him, it was a "shoe-in", his family thought, as he had the same accolades and abilities that many of the students currently attending the school had. It was supposed to happen until..

Admissions Directors for the most part, have a difficult job in that they have to balance the needs of the school with the reputation that is to be upheld in the community. As it turns out, this particular Admissions Director has not told the entire truth to the young child. It sounded too good to be true that any family would be promised "a spot" but to outwardly admit students that were in the same grade and school as a student that you did not want attending your school is something that is worth coming clean on.