How Labels Could Help (Or Hurt) Your Child...

When parents call me, it is at varying stages in the educational timeline. Sometimes they call me when they think something is wrong, sometimes they call me when they have confirmed that something has gone wrong, sometimes - they call me,  when it is almost too late.

I've realized that through the years parents are becoming increasingly more obsessed with the idea of having a label attached to their child. As an adult, there were many labels that were associated with my social standing and motivation profile. Teachers always called me, "Gifted, High Achiever, Motivated, Type-A, Workaholic, Task Oriented..." while in class or after turning in big projects. When I look back to those early years, I would have given anything to be characterized as an individual who was, "Creative, Intuitive, Inspirational..."however, like with many things, I assume that is what adulthood is for (making up for time lost in your childhood..)

Nowadays, when parents sense that something is wrong, they believe that they need to attach a label to a child. For example, students that constantly need to move around are labeled as "ADHD" or a student who cannot maintain eye contact for longer than 1.1 seconds has "Autism" or "Aspergers Syndrome". If this were indeed the case, each student in the classroom would have some form of Neurological Disorder either in Physical Education class or while taking the SAT.

I believe that labels, at times, are not only dangerous in describing your child, but can also be stigmatizing. I was involved in a situation at school where a school reviewed at a report that was provided by one of my clients who has a 2nd grader in need of services. The report, which  was conducted by a developmental pediatrician in the area,  labeled the child as having Autism. The school wanted to have the child receive services under the umbrella of Autism and would not relent at the notion that the student was Autistic.  It took several hours and pages of  discussion before the school team finally agreed to not have that label listed in the students profile.

It disheartens me to see that some individuals carelessly (and callously) describe children with these conditions. It is a little unsettling that we are more focused on the label - than the actual challenges that need to be overcome, which are presented with the behaviors. Although undiagnosed, there are many individuals I know of who have some form of ADHD (myself included).  It is through understanding who you are and what you may need help in doing that makes you the individual that you are. Oftentimes I look at the challenges that a child has - and all I see is a child, that has the same desire to be like every other child they come across. To have the feeling that they have made their parents proud and at the end of the day, feel really great about something that they have accomplished. They don't rest their head and night thinking, "I have XYZ". They say to themselves, "I love you mom and dad - and thank you for accepting me for who I am."

What I help parents with - is getting their kids to be at state of gratitude, sooner, rather than later.

"Mom of the Year"

I don't know if this is a fair contest-  as I truly believe that the reason why some women become mothers is because they instinctually know how to raise a child. As a professional who works with hundreds of families each year - it is a title that is given very carefully.

After years of research and observation, here are a few traits of women that I would consider "Mom of the Year":

1. UNSELFISH

In the case of my own mother and other mothers that I have worked with, "Mom of the Year" candidates are typically - unselfish. I have known many that personally take on part-time jobs or cut a splurge in their own budget to make room for something that their child really needs. Whenever I pass by a local music shop or school, I will see a "MOTY" take a quick nap because they want to make sure that they are there for their child when they are done with their lesson or activity. They are respectful of their child's time, and the time of whoever it is that is their caretaker at that particular moment.

2. WORK-LIFE BALANCE

There are some women who want to work - there are some women who need to work. A "Mom of the Year" is one that knows that at the beginning, the middle,  and the end of the day - Family Comes First.

In the wise words of my late father, "Family first - that means...you are second." It may be hard to think that saying "no" to an additional project, hour of work, or professional obligation will have a dramatic impact on your mother-child relationship, but if you look at children who are at the park with their parents (sans cell phone), you will see something totally transformational in their child's eyes.

Most young children do not know what you do - they know who you are to them and it is summed up in three letters: "MOM" (or in the case of an emergency... "MOMMY").

3. GREAT MANAGER

When life hands you a speed bump, you do not quickly drive over it in hopes that it does not ruin your transmission. "MOTY" will know how to handle the problem by using a simple three step process:

1. Evaluate the Problem
2. Find a Solution
3. Implement a Solution

When a "MOTY" sees that there is an issue that needs to be addressed in their child's life. they do not vacillate for weeks on what the solution could be. They use highly effective problem solving skills - and work towards resolution before the end of the day.

4. HEAD COACH (and ASSISTANT HEAD COACH)

Here is what may be the hardest task of any parent: being objective in a totally subjective role. As a parent, you are not there to dictate to your child in what they need to do, be, accomplish, understand, learn, uphold - before they reach 18 years old or when they leave the house (for good) whichever comes first. Your role is to raise them and care for them. Sometimes it means giving them praise when they need it - and redirecting behavior when they don't (need praise that is).

As an observer of different parenting styles - I have seen the MOTY navigate through these two roles seamlessly. Sometimes they are more of the parent "strategist" by  having the child look at the big picture, and sometimes they are "tactical" by instructing the child on how to execute a certain task.

Here is an example: When I was younger, my mother (and father) would encourage us to not pay too much attention to what people now and days call "bullies". It was a commonality that people would be bullied in life and they instilled into us that as long as you know who you are and what you are, nothing can hurt you (that was the strategist in my "MOTY" and "FOTY"). When an actual bully was bothering someone in my family - they would encourage a more tactical approach by showing us the power of kindness and then later on, assertiveness.

We never had issues with bullies because this was one of the major strengths in my "MOTY".

5. WARMTH

As much as I praise my mother for her valiant parenting styles, I also must give credit to my mother-in-law (a European clinical psychologist) who has given me an insight on the power of warmth for a "MOTY".

She gave me the example of when a child is ready to come home from school and what they remember when they come home. She said that when her two boys arrived home, they were greeted with the same three things every weekday:

1. A kiss/hug
2. Something good to eat
3. A "no-pressure" activity/conversation

She asked me what I  thought about that statement and as I was thinking about the times that I had come home from school, the warmth that I received from my family - the great food that my mom always made, and the peace/quiet that I was given as part of my "decompression hour".
I really did appreciate the times where I would see my mother and/or father waiting for me at the kitchen table with a huge smile on their face. I know that children bring a great deal of happiness to their parents, but the strength and dedication that a parent brings to a child - really does last a lifetime.

The views and opinions of this blog article are my own. Thank you so much to my wonderful mother, mother-in-law, family members, and "MOTY" clients that I dedicate this article to. It is your hard work and commitment to raising fine young children that will make this world a better place, for generations to come!