Why I Really Want To Go To Private School

When kids are really young, let's say 4 or 5 years old, they cannot tell the difference between going to one school over another. It's hard for them to differentiate between what a good school is versus a bad school because their experiences are so limited.

This is not the case for all students. I've recently had the opportunity to work with one of the nicest, well-rounded and influential families I have ever met in my entire life. Unlike many children that I've encountered, this family is comprised of a hard-working and protective father, conscientious and generous mother, and three children who possess the lack of materialistic attachment synonymous with a Buddhist monastery. Most families are well-off financially, with this family they are not only well-off, but secure in the fact that they do not need to show it or make you feel badly that you are not "one of the 1% of 1%".

I remember the day as if it were yesterday. Before I started working with the little girl, I asked her, "Why do you want to change schools? I've heard so many great things about your public school." What she was about to tell was not typical of what most children tell me. Usually their response is a simple, "I don't know" or "My mom and dad want me to go to the school because I'll be able to go to an Ivy League school". What she told me resonated in my heart and in my mind forever.

"At my school, I feel invisible and the girls are mean to me."

SHE'S NOT EVEN 10! I was about to explode when she told me that because I thought that kids didn't show these behaviors until they were in middle school! It broke my heart in so many pieces that I felt that somehow, somewhere, the system has let us down. I feel that as an adult, many of my peers in the school system have become so overburdened with their work load that they forget about the emotional well-being of their students.

Let's think about this for a minute: As an adult it is very difficult to focus on your job or your family if there is a major stressor in your life. The nice thing about being an adult is that you are able to remedy the situation by talking to someone in your life who plays a supporting role in order to help you. This is not the case for a kindergartener, 1st or 2nd grader who blames themselves for being an outcast.

I'm fully aware that not all children will learn to get along - adults do not even know how to get along. The least that parents and other adults can do is model tolerant behaviors around their children. When you see someone that may be different from you, talk to your child about how to initiate conversations with them and not pose judgment. If you are at the park and your child is comfortable playing with their core group of friends and there is a new person that is playing by themselves, encourage your child to reach out and ask the child to play with them.

I've met many children in my lifetime and I've noticed that as a group, we could really work on making the new generation more inclusive and tolerant of other people. It's not a privilege that we have, it's our responsibility to teach our children to be cordial to each other and respectful of other's feelings.

Happy Kids... are not always Pleasant Kids

It's been quite a while since I've picked up the virtual pen, AKA "keys on the keyboard". Sometimes I feel like my late grandfather publishing books on topics which he cared so much about in the world, hoping to make a difference by communicating what he has observed time in and time out. It's my turn to hold the torch - hoping to discuss what I see with children, their parents, behavioral expectations, and education.

I interact and see a huge number of kids. It's amazing to observe children in their natural state, not when they are at school but when they are at home with their parents and other loved ones. This is the time when you would think that you see the best of children. This is also the time when you see the most brutal part of who they are too: their true self.

When only myself and the child are around, two things transpire: expectations that the child perform at their best without being prodded by a parent and that they show me what they are capable of doing. I am very surprised by the conversations that I have had with many children on how they share their utmost feelings, wishes and desires. One child that I am particularly fond of heard my stomach growl and rather than make me feel like a nuisance, smiled at me and said, "It's okay Miss C, my stomach growls too. It's normal.". Children grow up trying to please their parents however, it is the kindness and grace that they show to people around them that make them show their true character.

Not all children exhibit this. I fondly recall working with a child whose mother and father show all the traits of a "nice family". Two parent household, above average income, connections that only one in the White House can manage to be proud of. What they missed in raising their child was how to act and treat people with respect. This irks me beyond words, but there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. How can a couple with so much forget to teach their child that one character trait that prevents them from being at the top of the bully list in 2016?

It's because they don't care. The reason why is because they find justifiable reasons to tell their children that bullying is okay. When I asked the little girl, "When is your birthday?". She blurted out, "March 10th." I immediately asked her if she has planned her birthday party to include princesses and ponies. Her response was "Of course I've planned that." What shocked me was the next statement that she made, "But you are not INVITED! You are not a child and I can't invite you!". I was in total remorse that somehow, a child was capable of making such a repugnant comment that I feared for the other children around her that she would exclude and ostracize. Maybe she doesn't know it, maybe her parents don't know it, but somehow I felt that part of the innocence that I shared in her upbringing was taken away in that brief moment where she put her foot down and said, "I don't want you there." (Ironically, she bothered me for a treat afterwards.)

I'm not one to judge, but I am one to observe. There are many children in this world that are being labeled as bullies and for some strange reason, parents of those being bullied are starting to wonder why. Here's one hypothesis: those parents of bullies are not cognizant of what their child is doing. It is easier to tell your child that they are great in everything and that they can have everything than teaching them to share and care about the people and world around them. I know this because we grew up in a fairly large family and it takes more work for parents to be true parents that just a grown up friend for their kids.

I'm left saddened by the interaction that I had with this child, but at least I can be grateful to know that if I ever ask about a child's birthday ever again, I'll follow up by saying, "it's a kind deed to invite people that care about you on your birthday". 

Schools that say they can help with your struggles

Here's the scenario:

You realize that your child is having issues reading or completing math assignments at school. You hire someone either at the school or a tutor to help your child understand these concepts better. Things get worse after a few months and not only have you wasted an exorbitant amount of money or time, but now they run the risk of being not just a few months behind their peers but one year behind.

What most parents do at this point is ask the school to step in and find a specialist to help their student with whatever they are struggling with. I have seen this happen day in and day out and actually spoke to a specialist (actually, several specialists) at the school to ask them what their solution was in helping a child with certain issues. The responses that I have received were rather humorous, but alarming at the same time. One school said, "I don't know." Another school was a little more honest and stated, "We do the same work - just slower." Yet another school said, "We repeat the concept over and over and over until he gets it." Obviously this child doesn't get it if you just repeat the concepts over to him.

I've realized through the years that it is hard being a parent and even more difficult to find people that you can trust. I believe that it is important for parents to be proactive in finding solutions that work for their children and to trust a professional who has years of experience in handling the situation that is being presented. Every year, I see several clients that are new and I also see repeat clients that know that sometimes, it is a good idea to ask for help.

If you have a problem that you need to solve, don't hesitate to contact me at christine@learningridge.com. Our goal is to help guide your student onto the path to success.