Are You Playing Homework Hostage Negotiator With Your Child?

It may be funny to read the title of this blog, but for many parents, this brings them to tears each and every night...

What starts out as an innocent question about the status of work that needs to be done after school ends up in a struggle of power, dominance, tactile defenses, and ultimately (if you do not lose) defeat of the young elementary/middle school/high school child that relents into the inevitable task that many of us know as "homework".

It's not a bad word, but has a negative association for most kids. Instead of addressing it by it's English name, they refer to it as "boring", or "do I have to do this" or "I hate school". I've come across more students with this dramatic disposition to these assignments and have seen a range of responses and emotional settings such as complete denial that there is homework to apathy. Whatever emotion the child feels - the response should always be the same.

Here are some tips on what to do if you are caught in the crossfire of playing "hostage negotiator" with your child:

1. DO NOT negotiate with your child!

Okay, maybe the CIA will not tell you this (yes, too many reruns of Bourne Identity in my brain) but you DO NOT NEGOTIATE with your child! There is a reason why your child will not do their homework - and before you engage in an offensive military strike that involves taking away all the privileges that they have not earned, it is important to find out what is the root of all (misguided) unhappiness towards homework..

2. EMPATHIZE With Your Child!

Remember when you were trying to pass that really boring literature class and procrastinated on studying for the final exam until you realized that it was tomorrow (okay, that must have been my little sister. I didn't do that..)? It's hard to think that your child is anything but an obedient compliant individual until you remember what it was like when you were growing up. Try to level with the child and relate to what they were experiencing.

Children look up to you and at times - think that you are either the most perfect human beings or are horrible parents. Tell them about what subjects you had a difficult time with and recall how it was hard for you to be self-motivated. They are not looking for someone to tell them what to do all the time, sometimes they are looking to just listen.

3. FIND OUT What It Is That They Really Need To Do

There is a misassumption that you have to complete everything that the teacher assigns to your child. When homework is assigned, many times it is to gain mastery of the concept that they are studying in school (I'm not an advocate of "busywork" - but "meaningful practice:). If it becomes an all out "War of the Words" in your house, find out what alternate assignments the teacher has allotted for students that may not have the chance to complete the homework.

I'm not advocating for you to ask for a free pass to not do work - but come to an agreement on what the learning and performance expectations are each and every day!

If you have any questions on this topic, or would like additional information about services provided by Learning Ridge, LLC - please contact Christine at 404-964-8533 or you can visit my website :)

From Normal to Medicated

When you think about a typical child, one thinks of someone who has a need to run around and tinker with toys to their hearts content. As a little girl, I remember constantly putting something in my hand and imagining the world around me through a visual medium. I wrote on anything my pens and markers could "scribble" on: paper, newspapers, magazines, shirts, and yes, even the kitchen table and the walls. It was hard for my mom to understand why I had a genetic predisposition to the world of print (it's partially my grandfather who influenced me. The man never went anywhere without writing things down as he was an attorney and diplomate) but I am glad that she never stopped me from doing what I was meant to do: express myself in the best way my brain knew how.

What grabs me at my heart is when I see children unable to be children in this day and age. I remember my childhood as if it were yesterday but when I see how some children are constantly drugged or tucked into some corner because they (or the adults around them) are unable to manage their behavior, it tugs at my heartstrings and makes me feel so helpless for the little one. There is so much that I feel we can do for children and to mistakenly label "boredom" with a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD is just uncalled for.

I recall this one time where I arrived (or was scheduled) at an unusually early time for one of my little clients. It was at 7:30am and the client had motioned to me that her son had not been medicated and as such, would not sit and pay attention. Rather than disagreeing with her, I continued working with her son and noticed after about 20 minutes, his thoughts and energy were retarded as a result of the medication. It was quite devastating for me - as the drugs started to kick in, I noticed his brain slip away and the look in his eyes resemble that of a zombie. It's one thing to be completely focused on something that you enjoy doing, it's another to be forced to pay attention against your will.

Other than an occasional dose of allergy medicine (that puts me to sleep after about 30 minutes), it's quite daunting to see how quickly the effects of medication has on students with attention problems. Perhaps students with ADHD can be managed a little differently or instead of using all that medicine, wouldn't it be more prudent to teach them life-skills or coping strategies?

I've never really been in favor of medication for those who have minor to moderate attention problems. Maybe we can advocate for teaching them how to manage their behaviors as a long term solution instead.

One of the Hardest Parts of Working with Students

It happens within a few moments - a parent calls me in despair. These parents have recognized something that needs attention with their child. They never spell out what the problems are, but between the lines I know that they are asking for my help.

Sometimes they find me through a web search, sometimes they find me through the business card left at a neighborhood coffee establishment - regardless of how they find me, I know what I have to do. As my father would always say, "You have that position and knowledge to help people. Now do what it is that you are meant to do.."

This is where I begin to look beyond the pages of a book. As we begin to unravel the idiosyncrasies and hidden talents of a child, I start the process of discovery (and self-discovery). Using all of the experiences and knowledge that I have accumulated throughout the years, I start to create a path for the student. Sometimes the path is one that is straight and narrow - other times it is rather broad and seemingly overcrowded. Regardless of what the path is, it is one that necessitates a great deal of time and effort.

In my private practice, I have spent many hours deliberating on what I should do first, last, and everything in between. What I do works because I see how happy I have made many children and many clients as I do what I do best - care for people. So when the journey needs to take a different direction - one that involves another individual, I take it very personally.

When I have a client that either needs to be cared for by one of my professionals, it is a difficult transitioning period for me. I always think to myself if that young boy or girl will be okay with the "change". As the first appointment ends and I say goodbye to the young client, I have to stop and remember to not be selfish and want all of the students to work with me. One time I had to let go of a client and for some strange reason - I walked back to the little one and gave them a hug (as if to dull the feeling of emptiness or sadness that I may not see them again.) It is true that when you make a mark on someone's life - it's one that stays there forever. My calling was not to invent a new computer - or work in a hospital from 9-5, or brag about what I did the week before, my calling was to change the way that an individual feels about themselves in a positive way - and have lasting results!

Grandma's (or Grandpa's) Role in Your Child's Future

To make a long story short, I made a deal with a five year old. It becomes harder and harder each year for me as the students I deal with are often working with a professional "Child Pleaser" (myself)  and for some reason, they call my bluff when I give them an offer that I always think - they will have to refuse.

This time, I was conned by a little girl who was given one simple task: to master one alphabet in one summer in exchange for one book. 

When I initially completed the baseline, she knew about 9 letters of the 26 and I thought that I had the upper hand. She would work on the alphabet in her spare time however, I factored in her  becoming distracted by television, play dates, tea parties and ballet and then I would walk off with the Princess Book collection that I had. (Yes, I believe that knowing how to read all the letters in the alphabet in exchange for another book that she can read. My prizes are very utilitarian.. Example, for my nieces 2nd birthday I bought her two coloring books in different languages. I was scolded by my brother for it - I explained that I was exercising my right to spread the gift of early multi-language development..) Back to my story,  I was wrong - so wrong because the little five year old client did the unthinkable..

Until these little 3 foot tall clients start making me sign contracts - it was a negotiation war. Each week I would work on reviewing various sounds and assigning new sounds to her. I would track progress and noticed that there was a very steep upward curve in her phonemic awareness. She would sit across me and revel in these tiny successes as we talked about lemonade, party dresses, and Princess trivia. Her numbers looked better and better each week: 18 letters to 12 letters to 9 letters to 3 letters and then... there were two.

"What does the letter "y" say?" I thought I had a slam dunk - she wouldn't get this, what is it to a party princess poser to wait another week for a book on Sleeping Beauty? "Ms. Christine, y says...." and then she said it. She knew the sound....

Not only the sound for "y" - but the sounds of all the letters of the alphabet. She tore my book up - grabbed all of my puzzle pieces and went to town with my letters, my books, and my toys. I never thought that any little child would be able to top my fierce will to fight to be right and win by any means possible. "Princess Power" mode kicked in - she annihilated me and the books that I was hiding from society for years and years (a 12 book volume based on Disney Princesses). She did all of this - with the help of her secret weapon.

It was Grandma!! A former school teacher, Grandma had moved into the house (temporarily) and spent the last few weeks helping little princess learn the alphabet. My little client never disclosed this quiet fact - but somehow it didn't matter. She had the confidence of an Olympic Athlete with the mental strength of a Mensa Institute member. "Grandma helps me with writing and reading..", she said in her very coy voice. "That's not cheating is it?"

Sweetheart - it's never cheating when Grandma or Grandpa help you - it's a little thing called LOVE!